Learn to say no to the Good
so you can say yes to the Great.
John Maxwell.
Have you ever said yes to a work request that you really wished you hadn’t? A time when you’re asked to sacrifice a weekend to complete a project or take on extra duties and responsibilities “just coz”. If your answer is yes, then why do you think that is?
One of the reasons I started writing was because I wanted to explore cognitive biases that I had and whether these “system errors” were associated to my cultural upbringing. Simply put, I wanted to find out how much my Pasifika culture affected my interpretation of the world around me and whether or not I was doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again.
Looking back on my upbringing, I realized that this was culturally reinforced in Pasifika. A widely accepted social norm. We are taught that saying yes to a request is the honorable, and only, thing to do. An instant pact that binds you to your word and with which you have no escape. You either fulfill the request or you risk becoming a social outcast. To live in this society, you must say YES to everything asked of you. For example, in the Fijian culture, it is customary for the head of your family unit (extended) to delegate obligations for an occasion such as a wedding or funeral. One cow from you, $500 from you, etc. Saying no to this, or worst yet, saying yes and then not coming up with your soli and you will not hear the end of it. Good luck getting help from the fam after that!
Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my culture and its collectivistic values. I am talking about when saying yes becomes a problem! As with many things, our culture is a double-edged sword that, on the one hand, garlands our beautiful people with even beautiful customs while, on the other hand, could sometimes overburden the weak.
Studies have shown that people that cannot say no are more stressed and anxious with an unhealthy belief that they live in a world that offers them little control over their lives. This inadvertently leads to work burnout and emotional turmoil. Things can get real messy inside and outside of the office after that.
So why do we say Yes all the time?
Here are a few reasons that Linda Adams – President of Gordon Training International – suggested.
Desire to please. “What will she think of me?” “I know it would make them happy.”
Fear of hurting someone. “I don’t want to disappoint her.” “I’m afraid I’ll hurt his feelings if I don’t go.”
Guilt. “I’d feel so selfish.” “How could I turn them down?”
Duty. “I ought to…” “I should…” “I owe it to them.”
Need for power. “If I say ‘no’, they’ll think I can’t handle it.” “Now he’ll owe me a favor.”
How many of these reasons have you used to justify saying Yes? One? Three? Or all of these?
Now I’m not an expert in saying No! Just the other day, when asked whether I would allow some door knockers to come back for a follow-up appointment, I fumbled around before saying yes. Just so I could get out of this awkward situation. The result? I find any excuse to stay out of my own house all of Saturday.
The stress is real!
A simple no at that first meeting would have prevented these past month of stressful Saturdays.
So why should we say No more often?
Here are some reasons given by Ashley Stahl who writes for Forbes:
- It helps create boundaries: Saying No allows you to create boundaries for different relationships. At work this could come in the form of letting your boss know that you want your weekends reserved for family by saying No to last minute requests on a Friday afternoon. With family you could set boundaries by letting them know that you’re willing to assist with family functions but you’re only giving so much. By setting boundaries, you’re giving yourself freedom to be yourself and it will help cultivate the right type of relationships you want.
- You’re not responsible for anyone else’s reaction: As Pasifika, we tend to be sensitive to our social reputation. We are a friendly people and so we want to be liked by everyone. Unfortunately this leads to self-flagellation where we place the happiness of others above our own. Saying no gives you control! Newsflash – there are always people who will never like you no matter what you do!
- Successful people know how and when to say No: Saying No increases productivity! Highly productive people say no to distractions and menial tasks that do not support the goals that they have set for themselves. If you want to increase productivity then start saying No!
As I’ve said before, saying No can be hard at first. So I’ll give you a “cheatsheet” to finish off this article. Here are some ways you can say “No” without saying No:
“That sounds great but I’m afraid I’m busy”.
“I’m not able to take anything else on right now”.
“That sounds like a great opportunity but I’ll have to pass this time”.
“Thank you for thinking of me but this one isn’t for me”.
“I won’t be answering emails outside working hours”.
“I’d love to but I’m afraid I don’t have the time”.
“That doesn’t fit my schedule”.
“I won’t be able to help this time”.
What are your thoughts about saying No? Is it really against our pasifika culture? Would you be willing to say No now that you’ve read the benefits of it?
Our pasifika people are the friendliest people on Earth to a fault. The power of No should be another tool that we add to our arsenal in the fight against being taken advantage of! Please let me know what you think about it all.
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