We all need people who give us feedback. That is how we improve.
Bill Gates
The effectiveness of feedback on behavioral change has been thoroughly studied in psychology and behavioral economics. By providing individuals with information about the consequences of their past behavior, feedback represents a powerful strategy for enhancing learning and better performance.
However, the focus of this article isn’t the effectiveness of feedback. Instead, I want to focus on why we fear feedback and how to give it properly.
Providing feedback can be a daunting task for a lot of us. Whether it’s to a coworker, a customer, a boss, or an employee, there’s something about it that makes us push the proverbial red panic button. The crazy thing about it all is that for some of us it doesn’t matter if the feedback is positive. We still feel those darn butterflies in our tummies.
So why do we fear giving feedback?
I suspect that it has something to do with one of our most basic human tendency – wanting to be loved by all. We aspire to be the town sweetheart. The guy that everybody loves. This inclination towards projecting a saintlike personality can hold us back from becoming better leaders! As Pasifika, we’re more inclined to keep the peace and would rather not rock the boat, if given the choice. This could be because our ancestors knew rocking the boat was not the thing to do in the middle of the Pacific ocean? I make a joke.
It has to stop.
This fear of being disliked can blind us from simpler truths. Constructive feedback is necessary for growth! Sometimes we’d rather see someone suffer through a plateau – or “spinning” as the imagination gurus in Disney’s animation studios call it – than give them well-timed criticism that could unlock a much needed door for them.
I help coach a women’s university rugby (GO COUGS!) and part of that job involves helping players develop their knowledge of the game. Feedback plays such a massive role in achieving that goal. When I first got on the team I was a nervous wreck! Sometimes I’d miss great teaching moments because I was too scared to make small corrections. That benefitted nobody at all! The ladies continued to unknowingly make mistakes and I continued to ignore them as best as I could. Finally, passion for rugby won over my fear of giving feedback. I started to give timely feedback and the improvements became obvious almost instantly. Mistakes that tormented players for weeks were fixed in a matter of minutes!
The twister here is that people actually want feedback!
I have some suggestions on how to make giving feedback easier – keyword here is easier. If you’re an expert “feedbacker”, then you probably know these hacks but if you’re an introvert like me then these may help a ton.
- Reframe: First, we need to reframe our mindset. Whether the feedback is going up or down the leadership ladder, the concept is the same. There is always someone you can help with a little feedback right? Think of that person who may be stuck in a rut or who may be flying too close to the sun. Instead of thinking about how scary giving feedback is, think about how much you want that person to succeed. By simply reframing our perspective to where we’re lending a hand instead of prosecuting the person, we become more comfortable in offering feedback because we’re helping them. We become a guide, an advisor, a chaperone helping that person on their journey of self-development. No longer are we the accuser, the adversary, the antagonist. In short, reframing how we view ourselves and the suggestions we hope to give to someone allows us to overcome our personal fears.
- Timing: The best kind of feedback is timely feedback. Quote me on that. A marketing campaign I’ve seen for railroad safety is “see something, say something”. That is the mantra you need to have when it comes to giving feedback. It is only effective if you mention it as soon as possible. Why? Because it provides an example that the feedback recipient can use as a reference so that they can review their actions. If you’re asking them to do better than “what you did last Friday…”, well then that’s not helpful is it? Not only do they need to think hard about what they did wrong but now they know that you’ve been keeping it in for that long. In the documentary “The Last Dance”, that chronicled the 1997-1998 season run of the Chicago Bulls in their attempt to win their third championship in a row (sixth in eight years), the focus is on Michael Jordan and his relationship with his teammates. He is portrayed as a an arrogant and sometimes sadist leader who pushed his teammates past their breaking points. However, I find it interesting that everyone mentioned how MJ would give immediate feedback when he saw the need for it, and how it made them better. True, that he could have worked on the delivery, but giving prompt feedback allowed the players to made adjustments while the error was still fresh on their minds.
- Specificity: Being specific with the feedback you’re giving is extremely important. Sometimes we, incorrectly, assume that we can assuage the sting of criticism by making a general comment on performance instead of providing exact examples. Specificity is important for the same reason that timely feedback is important – it provides the recipient with context. Tell them what they can work on and an example of where they did it and how it was wrong. This will not only help them identify where the improvement needs to be made but it also tells them that you care enough to keep an eye out for them.
Of course there are plenty of resources out there that can help you become better at this and I’ll add a list for additional reading, if you’re into that.
I leave you with a quote from Ed Batista who is an executive coach and regular contributor to the Harvard Business Review:
Make feedback normal. Not a performance review
Ed Batista
Additional Reading:
- Building a Feedback-Rich Culture
- How to Give the Most Effective Feedback
- Strategies for More Inclusive and Effective Feedback
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Alfred Tora 
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